Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus
by Fluffy and Scary Satanic One
Summary: Ever wonder how the founders came up with Hogwarts' motto? Well, some Gryffindor bravery and a little crush on Rowena Ravenclaw goes a long way... Adult content.


**Scary Satanic One: Total randomness! This account will mostly be used to upload only things that are humorus (or supposed to be...) Many of these were actually role-played. Soon, we will upload a Bella and Cissy fic, but for now, you get this. It's basically the result of Fluffy wearing her hat that had the Hogwarts motto on it to youth group, us getting bored, and me asking a question with no real answer. This is supposed to be funny, so please do not take some of the things-- **

**Fluffy: Or any of them, Really... **

**Scary Satanic One:...we say about the founders too seriously. I also feel I should remind you that there will be adult content in this (including but not limited to, OMC/female one night stands, drunkin male/male one night stands, one-sided female/male, one sided male/female, language, and characters being major idiots at times.) **

**Fluffy: Now. enjoy. **

**Scary Satanic One: Tell us what you think.**

**Fluffy: But be nice**

* * *

_GRAAAAH!!!_

Rowena Ravenclaw woke immediately. She looked around the room to find that Helga and the men were still asleep, which really didn't surprise her. They had always been impossible to wake up.

Slowly she stood and left their bedroom—currently one of the only finished rooms in the school, to look out.

"BLOODY HELL!" She shrieked.

Helga sat up, and Godric was at her side in a moment, his sword ready, "What is it? Is someone hurting you?"

Rowena looked at him oddly for a moment.

"What?"

"Godric... do you _sleep_ with that sword?!"

"Well... I... maybe..."

"Just like a knight!" Helga swooned.

Salazar rolled over, "Rowena, you had better tell me _right now_ that you did not just wake us all up to see if Godric slept with his sword. I could have _told_ you that."

"It's better than sleeping with that sissy locket of yours!"

Salazar's hand went to his locket, "This was given to me by a dear friend—"

"Who you haven't seen since you knocked her up!"

"I couldn't just let my world stop for one little girl!"

"I hear she's taking him to court for child support." Godric stage-whispered to Rowena, "Dead beat."

"We're getting off topic—" Rowena started,

"Look, Godric," Salazar yelled over her, "That woman—"

"THERE IS A FUCKING DRAGON ON THE ASTRONOMY TOWER!"

The room fell silent.

"What?" Helga asked. She and Salazar climbed out of their beds.

Godric looked around slowly. "Oh... has that been there this whole time?"

Rowena rolled her eyes, "No, Godric. I greatly enjoy screaming 'bloody hell' at the top of my lungs at seven in the morning."

"Stop picking on him!" Helga wailed, "Dragons are scary!" She slid over by Godric, "But you'll protect me, won't you?"

"Er... right..." He looked back over at Rowena, "Don't fear! I'll go stab that fowl thing back to hell..." He began to move in the direction of the Astronomy tower.

Rowena grabbed his wrist right before he was out of the room, "That won't work! And anyway... it's sleeping. You can't kill something while it's sleeping, it's just cowardly."

Salazar rolled his eyes, "It's a fucking dragon! No one gives a fuck if it's awake when he kills it!"

"I care!"

Salazar looked away for a moment, "And anyway, I wanted to see if he'd really be stupid enough to try stabbing it..."

"Shut up!" Helga yelled, "He was just trying to defend us!"

"Whatever." Salazar snapped.

"You know," Helga went on, "I read once that if you tickle a sleeping dragon, it will explode."

"Oh, how interesting..." Rowena said after a moment, "I wonder if it would really work..."

"I'll tickle it for you!" Godric said, trying hard to make the sentence sound heroic.

"Oh? Would you?" Rowena asked, somewhat intrigued.

"Oh, that's so brave of you, Godric!" Helga added in.

Salazar rolled his eyes, "Well, don't you two just love Godric..."

"Well," Rowena said matter-of-factly, "If I remember right, you love Godric plenty after a few Fire Whiskeys."

"_I _loved _him_!" Godric corrected, sounding hurt.

"We know." Helga jumped in, shooting Salazar a glare as though he were the one to bring it back up, "Even when you were drunk, you have more honor than to let _him_—"

Salazar had his wand out, "Helga, I dare you to finish that! You may be a woman but—" He sighed, "And that wasn't even my point!"

Rowena jumped in at this, "Salazar, if you really wanted us to love you, did you ever think that _maybe_ you shouldn't have added an entire extra chamber that only you can access without telling us? And anyway—"

Salazar cut her off (he did have quite a habit of that...) "It's my school too, and I'll do as I please with the girls bathrooms!"

"THE DRAGON IS STILL THERE!" Rowena screamed, "I really should not have to keep reminding you three of that!"

"Oh." Godric said, "Right then." He strode out of the room and the others followed, Salazar barely containing his laughter.

About ten minutes later they were all standing at the top of the tower, still dressed in their night things (which for Godric (tragically for him) was nothing more than his boxers).

"Oh, Godric, be careful!" Helga pouted, "I don't know what I'll do you get hurt in the explosion!"

"Well," Salazar said, laughing, "I know what _I'll_ do..."

"SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT!" Helga screeched.

"That's is rather hard when this has got to be the stupidest thing he has done since—"

"Fucking you?" Rowena finished.

Salazar huffed, "Fine. Just go tickle the Merlin-forsaken dragon! We'll see who was right about this!"

Godric held his sword out in front of him a little, and slowly approached the sleeping beast. With barely the tip of his blade, he rubbed the scales of it's belly.

* * *

About two hours later, Salazar had finally managed to stop laughing.

Helga had been going on for hours, "Oh, Godric, does it hurt? Are you okay? Are you healing right? Should I go get a healer? Do you want me to kiss it better?"

He barely dodged her attempt to do just that, "No, Helga, I really think Rowena is doing a fine job of healing me." He looked over at her while she wrapped the burns on his legs, "You know, I always have admired your skills as a healer, and your gift with charms, and your ability in herbology—"

"Don't forget her bright blue eyes and her tight virgin—"

"Salazar!" Helga cut him off.

"What? It's the truth!" He said dully.

"It is not!" Helga wailed, "She is not a virgin!"

Godric and Salazar snapped their heads toward Rowena.

Rowena turned pink and stopped wrapping Godric's wounds for a moment, "Well... I don't know what she means..."

"Don't lie!" Helga cried, "She's pregnant! She met some bloke at the pub two months ago—"

"_Then_?" Godric said unbelievingly, "You said you'd been out looking for gilliweed!"

"If she was then she was under the impression it grew in strange men's pants!" Helga cried. She looked back over at Godric, "I'm a virgin though."

Godric didn't pay any attention to the second part of this comment, "Bloody Hell, Rowena... Did you really AGGHHHH!"

The witch removed her claws from his burns and looked at him innocently, "Oops."

Salazar was smirking again, "I still can't believe you did that, Godric."

Godric nodded, "The good news is, I think we all know what to use as our motto now."

"Yeah." Helga said, "Never screw a strange man in a pub without a condom."

Rowena glared, "How about never take advice on dragons from a muggle book!"

"How was I supposed to know it was a muggle book!"

"The pictures weren't moving!" Salazar snapped, "That should have made it pretty obvious! I was thinking 'Never tickle a sleeping dragon'."

Helga glared, "How about 'Never ditch your daughter without paying your ex child-support. I hear that court case is going to get nasty!"

"SHE IS NOT TAKING ME TO COURT!" He screamed. "And my daughter and I have a fine relationship. I did not ditch her."

"When was the last time you saw her?"

"Her first birthday."

"And how old is she now?"

"... five."

"See!"

"Look, ladies." Godric said, doing nothing to indicate Salazar was not included in that, "I never thought I'd say this, but Salazar and I were actually thinking the exact same thing."

Rowena smiled dreamily for a moment, "Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus... I like it."

"Well," Helga said quietly, "I'm all for anything Godric suggested."

Salazar opened his mouth to object, but decided he was tired of arguing for today, "So we've agreed?"

"I think," Rowena said, "We have. For once."


End file.
